Hum of swill: moms spend their days giving nice reminders about appropriate behavior:
"Drew make sure you brush your teeth"
"Cole be nice to your sister"
"Jack please put your school clothes on"
"Aubrey please come back to me"
Then moms give several reminders over and over again leading children to accomplish desired tasks. Problem, the tasks are never completed. Now as a mom I read a lot of Love and Logic literature as the philosophy worked well for me as a teacher. "Drew do you want to brush your teeth now or have mommy brush them for you?" It never fails though that our three year old son will choose to not do what we would like him to do. I even got dad involved in a recent fit in a hotel room to try to get him to put on his clothes for the day. "Dave I asked Jack to get dressed or I will dress him and he chooses neither."
It is problematic to always bring Dad in as the parent who cracks the whip when mom is ready to throw up her hands. This furthers norms of kids not listening to moms and waiting to get serious until dad gets involved. This strategy is not one we use often.
What strategies are there to turn the hum of swill into a voice our kids will listen to?
- Pick your battles. Not every thing can be an issue or an order. If you ask your child to get dressed in clothes you set out for them, and they come out of their room in different clothes you might consider not picking this as a battle. If we fight for control every step of the way two results are possible: the kids will not listen or become defiant just to thwart your control.
-Give choices when you can. The above example on brushing teeth is right out of Love and Logic pedagogy. However, if you give choices and a choice is not chosen that you offered then as a parent you make the decision. And you make the decision swiftly. I think this is where we sometimes mess up. We give choices, then warnings, and then start making demands and it gets us no where closer to compliance.
-Let your children know. Have a direct conversation with your children about why they listen to one parent and not the other. They might have some insights for you. I know when I asked my 5 year old son his reply was that I boss him around more than dad does. This caused me to evaluate the number of things I asked him to do and the tone in which I asked him to do. If there are areas they identify that you can meet them halfway on then try modifying your style. Let your child know you are trying to meet them half way, though you are within your rights not to, and you would like them to try to listen to you the first time you make a request of them. Ask them what good listening means to them so you have a common understanding. Make sure and take time at the end of the day to guide your children through reflection on if they thing they exhibited perfect listening. Then set goals for the next day. This does not mean to let unresponsiveness slide and save correction for these reflective dialogues. I would still address misbehavior on the spot during the day by identifying your efforts
"Drew we are leaving in five minutes, is there anything I can help you do in order to get ready to leave?"
"No." 5 minutes later...
"Drew you did not get yourself ready. I made an adjustment to my communication style, asked you kindly, and did not bug you but now you are not ready. How are you meeting me halfway as we agreed?"
Then either snap them up in the car in their current state or get them ready your own way and get them in the car.
Or leave them at home:)
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